Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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