I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
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My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
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jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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