I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
