Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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