Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
pray to the hookup gods
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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