I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
