who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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