you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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