Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
