So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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