I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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