so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
