so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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