Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
