It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
