I am puke
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
