So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
