I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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