apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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