I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
