Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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