Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
