Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
is this the sara with the beer cane?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
