i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
this hospital has no fireball
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
