I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
