I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We were destined to go to rehab together
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
