I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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