if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sorry about my life...
Randomize
