Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
