I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
