You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
