508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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