i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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