So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
