I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I puked a lego.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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