Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
