You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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