SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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