It's Friday. Sex?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
