I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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