I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
