She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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