Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
