Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
