you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
