Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
