We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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