I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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