Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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