i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
