he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
