According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
