i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
