True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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