Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
