You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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